Do you remember your very first performance? When was it?
I was …two? three? And my grandparents had a stairway with a small landing that looked onto their living room. I called it my ‘little stage’ and treated — TREATED — my family to countless renditions of The Itsy Bitsy Spider, whatever that one about blackbirds was called, and other thrilling songs.
I also remember playing Broccoli in my Kindergarten’s interpretation of THE LITTLE RED HEN, which, to my knowledge, has no fucking broccoli in it whatsoever.
I had one line. It was “I am Broccoli” and maybe something about how great broccoli is. The kid playing Potato went up after me and, if I’m being honest, I was a little miffed that I didn’t get to play Potato because LOOK AT ME. IT’S THE FOOD OF MY PEOPLE.
Anyway, Potato fucking froze. Would’ve ruined the whole play. Just stood there, staring at the audience. I figured out what was going on, stepped in front of him, and proudly declared:
I AM POTATO <whatever fact about potato>
(did I change it to HE IS POTATO? I do not remember. I hope so. But knowing me…)
You’re fucking welcome, Potato.